Mom and I continued our trip towards home and the closer we got, the realer everything became.
Mom and I had made this journey many times before, many. Many times, but this trip was different. Although we usually spent the full six hours talking about the various goings on in our lives, there was only one topic of discussion this trip, that, and a lot of silence.
I began piecing certain things together myself, such as the fact that I was behind on knowing that dad was missing. By the time mom had gotten to me, dad had already been missing for 36 hours.
That meant that my family had already had 36 hours to digest and understand and cope with what was going on, and I was just beginning.
I remember at one point mom was on the phone talking to my brother or sister reiterating that she did not want either of them going to identify a body if the police called for them. Then it hit me.
My eyes swelled up with tears and I did everything in my power to keep from sobbing as I asked my mother the hardest question I have ever had to.
"Am I the only one who thinks dad is still alive?"
I could see my mom's heart breaking as she tried to explain why there was little hope he was.
See, I live in Kentucky, about 7ish hours away from home. Naturally that distance in itself leaves for a lack of insight into what is going on back home. I talked to my parents pretty regularly, and it is not that I didn't know what was going on in that Dad was depressed. I mean I had just been home in May for Dad's birthday and I had a first hand experience in seeing how bad he had gotten, but I just wasn't there to see the full force of things on a regular basis.
So mom began filling me in on the details I didn't have. Some due to the fact that I live in a different place than my family and some that were purposely withheld from me.
I've mentioned before that I had called right after an interview I had with my church to let my parents know that I had gotten the job. Of course, dad was not there to hear the news, and in fact had already been missing for several hours.
My parents knew this big interview was coming up, so that is one reason I was left out of the loop on what was going on with dad in the last week of his life. My parents did not want to worry me or bother me with their own problems. Obviously as their child and the fact that I love them so much, I would not have felt this way, however my parents have always seen it differently.
They want nothing more than for us to succeed in life and to follow God's will and they never want to be an intrusion on that. So often they don't fill us in on things that we deem as pertinent information because they don't want to burden our lives.
For instance, my mother took a rather bad fall out of the garage one day and I didn't hear about it until at least a month later! Why my parents thought we wouldn't care to know details like this is beyond me.
Apparently there had been a lot that had gone on in that week.
The Friday before my father went missing he called my mother in a panic. He was standing at the top of the parking deck at his work ready to jump. Mom convinced him to let her come get him and they went to go find a place to help him.
Mom and dad went together to a facility in order to seek help, unfortunately they decided to hold dad against his will for observation and evaluation. Mom tried to convince them to let dad leave with her, but they wouldn't budge.
We, as a family, believe that this was a final straw for dad. From my understanding, there was not much done to help him, he was just being held so that the state would not be liable for letting him go and him hurting himself. Apparently he had enough time to attempt taking his life twice and they didn't even take his belt away for the first 24 hours. Now, I'm not a doctor, but if someone is on suicide watch, you do not let them keep their belt for any amount of time.
When dad was finally released, mom said he was just a shell of the man he was. It was as if he wasn't there. Dad had given up.
When I began to hear all that had happened I began to understand more the gravity of what was going on. I was still in shock though.
The rest of the trip is a blur. Mom and I talked about a lot of stuff related to dad. The other thing I remember about our trip back was that it took forever.
We just could not get home.
The traffic and the weather were just horrible and it took us almost five hours just to get to Nashville. Even though mom didn't want to, we had to stop for the night.
However, we were unaware that the Nashville Auditions for American Idol were that same weekend. Yeah, we definitely had to drive 14 miles back north to find a hotel to stay in.
That night I had a hard time going to sleep, mom passed out pretty quickly, but I don't blame her. After laying in bed for a few hours thinking I began to deal with God and what was happening.
I found my bible and remember creeping over to the bathroom door that was cracked so I could read. I felt like a little kid sitting on the floor cross legged pouring over my bible.
The first passage I came to was Phillipians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
It calmed my spirit instantly. I know that it is something that is hard to share, or even comprehend, but I cannot explain to you the peace that I and my family shared throughout this experience. From the moment I found out what had happened till we had laid my father to rest, I had a huge sense of peace and comfort that everything was going to be OK. Now I don;t mean OK like everything was going to be fine and dandy and we weren't going to have any pain and suffering, but OK in the sense that I knew God was in complete control of the situation.
I remember telling my mom when we were first heading home that this didn't surprise God. God had known this was going to happen before time began. God was in control and this was all in His plan. It may not be what we desired or wanted, but it was God's will.
The second thing I was drawn to in my bible was the book of Job. Particularly the last few chapters where God is giving an account of himself (Job 38).
First off, the image we get of God is amazing. If you ever need reminding of the power of God or maybe have not even thought about it, read through these scriptures they will humble you fast.
I began to think, here was Job, someone who was probably the most justified in his questioning of God, and what does God reply to him? "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"
God basically goes on to prove his power and worthiness. And I began to think about my own situation and what my reaction would be.
Someone in my situation would often ask why, and very few people would rebuke them. I think it is in our human nature to want to know why and the reasoning behind everything, but that is not the way God is.
God does not have to nor need to give an answer as to why He does what He does. He's God.
So I began to resolve in my heart that I would not question God in this. That's not to say that those thoughts have not come up, but I do not entertain or dwell on them.
I have to say that I believe this is the best thing I could have done. By not dwelling on the questions that I will never have an answer to, I have had more time to cling to the truth and rock of God. It is almost refreshing and liberating to release myself of those questions. To not be bogged down by them.
God does not have to answer me, and that is OK. I trust that He is in control, that this is His will for my life, and that ultimately He will be glorified.
After reading some more and praying I felt at peace and was able to go to sleep. The next morning mom and I got up to head home.
I grabbed a shirt and put it on and almost laughed as I saw myself in the mirror.
I had picked up and put on my "Defining Moments" shirt from camp from just a week earlier.
I commented to mom on the irony of how appropriate the shirt was. I may have cried too. Obviously this is not what I wanted to be happening, but it was, and it was a defining moment in my life for sure.
