Both my brother and sister were able to see dad and be with dad before he went missing. Although they say that he wasn't really who we always knew, especially in those last few days, they still were there with him. It's hard to believe it has been a whole year.
Because I live in Ky for the majority of the year, I wasn't home a lot in the last few years, but I did get to go home for Dad's birthday last year. At that point last year, I hadn't been home in 5 months, and the time I had before that was very limited (just a day here and there) and very few and far between. As I look back at that trip there is one thing that I remember specifically.
I remember the fight I had with my mom before I came home. Mom was originally supposed to fly up and drive back with me. My car needed to be worked on and we had planned to have it done while I was home. Mom informed me just a few days before that she wouldn't be able to come, that dad wasn't doing well and she didn't want to leave him home alone.
I lost it.
For two years my dad had been slipping deeper and deeper into depression, and as he did my anger got worse. I don't remember exactly what I said or what I was thinking, but I remember the anger. I was so mad at my father. He was ruining everything. He was controlling our family and keeping us from living our lives out. Mom had been confined to the house basically for the last two years taking care of him and keeping him company. I remember as I said things how I knew how ridiculous I was being. I knew that I was being unsupportive and insensitive, I had just snapped.
See, it is something that I still think about. I don't understand why I didn't have patience for my father and what he was going through. Very few people do, especially when it comes to mental illnesses like depression. But I should have. I myself had gone through my own bout with deep depression. I knew what it was like to wake up and not want to live. To contemplate ending it all. To pray for God to just take your life. I knew what he was feeling and I just didn't care.
Ultimately what it came down to was that my anger was from the fact that my dad was no longer fighting. You could see it. He wasn't even trying anymore. And not only that, but nobody was saying anything to him about it. Nobody was trying to make him fight or make him do things he didn't want to. We were all just letting him pull not only himself down, but us as well.
I called back later crying. I knew what I had said was hurtful, I knew what I had said was wrong. I loved my father dearly, I just didn't know how to deal anymore. I had also misunderstood. I thought that mom was saying that I couldn't come home, and I so wanted to go home. So once we talked again and I apologized mom got me a flight home.
I spent the week at home and it was good to be there. But looking back, I could see then how bad dad was. I for sure thought that he would pull out of it, but he didn't. I treasure my time with my father greatly.
I miss him so much. He was a great father. Was he perfect, no, but who is? As fathers go I believe he was one of the greats.
My father made great sacrifices to be the dad he was. He and mom had decided that it was very important for our family to be together as much as we could. Dad passed on the opportunity to be promoted at his job so many times over the years because he valued the time it afforded him with his family over the money he could make.
Our family was always together growing up. From Friday nights sitting at home watching TGIF to coaching Trey's Basketball teams, he was always there. Every performance I had, field days, and every first day of school. He took me on special dates and we shared our love for the bookstore together.
He was a good father, the best. I am saddened when I realize he is gone. There is so much joy he will miss and that makes me sad. He won't see me graduate, he won't walk me down the aisle, he won't share a special dance with me, and he won't get to be a grandpa. There are so many things that I am going to experience in life that I know I will always feel like something is missing because he's not there.
But as I think of these things, sadness is not the only thing I find: joy, peace and thankfulness also fill my heart.
When I think of my father, it is hard to be sad for too long. If you knew my father at all, you know what I mean. He never knew a stranger and he was never without a smile. He always made me laugh and I have so many fond memories of him.
We are not celebrating a birthday this year, because dad is no longer here. The body that lies in his grave is just a shell, it is not my father. I know that right now because of my father's faith that he is standing before our Lord praising him. And dad no longer has pain, worries, fears, or suffering, just joy. On day I will join him and that gives me so much hope.
I am so grateful for my dad. For the good and bad and everything in between. Would I have loved to have had him around for longer? Well yes of course, but that was not the plan. God had my father's life laid out before time began and I am so grateful. The Lord did not have to bless me with such a wonderful father for 22 years. I did not deserve to have such a great man to look up to. I am thankful that the Lord shared him with us for as long as he did.
So yes I am sad my dad is not here, and yes I miss him dearly. But I am so gracious to have called him my daddy and I am so gracious for a Sovereign Lord who allowed me to be blessed by such a wonderful man. And I know that one day I will see him again and I will join him in spending eternity praising our Heavenly father. What a joyous thought!
So yes, it has been a year.
I know that as time goes on, life will become easier. That initially pain and shock will lessen. And as time goes on I will move father from missing him and closer to anticipating seeing him again. And I can't wait till that day when I get to see him again.
I love you daddy.
Amber Bamber
