One year ago....

Today would have been my father's 57th birthday. It is crazy to think think that a whole year has gone by, and in that year it seems that everything I knew has changed. See, for me, this is a rather hard time because it marks a year since I last saw my dad in person. It marks a year since I last was with him. It marks a year since I last hugged him. All things I will never be able to do again.

Both my brother and sister were able to see dad and be with dad before he went missing. Although they say that he wasn't really who we always knew, especially in those last few days, they still were there with him. It's hard to believe it has been a whole year.

Because I live in Ky for the majority of the year, I wasn't home a lot in the last few years, but I did get to go home for Dad's birthday last year. At that point last year, I hadn't been home in 5 months, and the time I had before that was very limited (just a day here and there) and very few and far between. As I look back at that trip there is one thing that I remember specifically.

I remember the fight I had with my mom before I came home. Mom was originally supposed to fly up and drive back with me. My car needed to be worked on and we had planned to have it done while I was home. Mom informed me just a few days before that she wouldn't be able to come, that dad wasn't doing well and she didn't want to leave him home alone.

I lost it.

For two years my dad had been slipping deeper and deeper into depression, and as he did my anger got worse. I don't remember exactly what I said or what I was thinking, but I remember the anger. I was so mad at my father. He was ruining everything. He was controlling our family and keeping us from living our lives out. Mom had been confined to the house basically for the last two years taking care of him and keeping him company. I remember as I said things how I knew how ridiculous I was being. I knew that I was being unsupportive and insensitive, I had just snapped.

See, it is something that I still think about. I don't understand why I didn't have patience for my father and what he was going through. Very few people do, especially when it comes to mental illnesses like depression. But I should have. I myself had gone through my own bout with deep depression. I knew what it was like to wake up and not want to live. To contemplate ending it all. To pray for God to just take your life. I knew what he was feeling and I just didn't care.

Ultimately what it came down to was that my anger was from the fact that my dad was no longer fighting. You could see it. He wasn't even trying anymore. And not only that, but nobody was saying anything to him about it. Nobody was trying to make him fight or make him do things he didn't want to. We were all just letting him pull not only himself down, but us as well.

I called back later crying. I knew what I had said was hurtful, I knew what I had said was wrong. I loved my father dearly, I just didn't know how to deal anymore. I had also misunderstood. I thought that mom was saying that I couldn't come home, and I so wanted to go home. So once we talked again and I apologized mom got me a flight home.

I spent the week at home and it was good to be there. But looking back, I could see then how bad dad was. I for sure thought that he would pull out of it, but he didn't. I treasure my time with my father greatly.

I miss him so much. He was a great father. Was he perfect, no, but who is? As fathers go I believe he was one of the greats.

My father made great sacrifices to be the dad he was. He and mom had decided that it was very important for our family to be together as much as we could. Dad passed on the opportunity to be promoted at his job so many times over the years because he valued the time it afforded him with his family over the money he could make.

Our family was always together growing up. From Friday nights sitting at home watching TGIF to coaching Trey's Basketball teams, he was always there. Every performance I had, field days, and every first day of school. He took me on special dates and we shared our love for the bookstore together.

He was a good father, the best. I am saddened when I realize he is gone. There is so much joy he will miss and that makes me sad. He won't see me graduate, he won't walk me down the aisle, he won't share a special dance with me, and he won't get to be a grandpa. There are so many things that I am going to experience in life that I know I will always feel like something is missing because he's not there.

But as I think of these things, sadness is not the only thing I find: joy, peace and thankfulness also fill my heart.

When I think of my father, it is hard to be sad for too long. If you knew my father at all, you know what I mean. He never knew a stranger and he was never without a smile. He always made me laugh and I have so many fond memories of him.

We are not celebrating a birthday this year, because dad is no longer here. The body that lies in his grave is just a shell, it is not my father. I know that right now because of my father's faith that he is standing before our Lord praising him. And dad no longer has pain, worries, fears, or suffering, just joy. On day I will join him and that gives me so much hope.

I am so grateful for my dad. For the good and bad and everything in between. Would I have loved to have had him around for longer? Well yes of course, but that was not the plan. God had my father's life laid out before time began and I am so grateful. The Lord did not have to bless me with such a wonderful father for 22 years. I did not deserve to have such a great man to look up to. I am thankful that the Lord shared him with us for as long as he did.

So yes I am sad my dad is not here, and yes I miss him dearly. But I am so gracious to have called him my daddy and I am so gracious for a Sovereign Lord who allowed me to be blessed by such a wonderful man. And I know that one day I will see him again and I will join him in spending eternity praising our Heavenly father. What a joyous thought!

So yes, it has been a year.

I know that as time goes on, life will become easier. That initially pain and shock will lessen. And as time goes on I will move father from missing him and closer to anticipating seeing him again. And I can't wait till that day when I get to see him again.

I love you daddy.

Amber Bamber

The Ride Home

Mom and I continued our trip towards home and the closer we got, the realer everything became.

Mom and I had made this journey many times before, many. Many times, but this trip was different. Although we usually spent the full six hours talking about the various goings on in our lives, there was only one topic of discussion this trip, that, and a lot of silence.

I began piecing certain things together myself, such as the fact that I was behind on knowing that dad was missing. By the time mom had gotten to me, dad had already been missing for 36 hours.

That meant that my family had already had 36 hours to digest and understand and cope with what was going on, and I was just beginning.

I remember at one point mom was on the phone talking to my brother or sister reiterating that she did not want either of them going to identify a body if the police called for them. Then it hit me.

My eyes swelled up with tears and I did everything in my power to keep from sobbing as I asked my mother the hardest question I have ever had to.

"Am I the only one who thinks dad is still alive?"

I could see my mom's heart breaking as she tried to explain why there was little hope he was.

See, I live in Kentucky, about 7ish hours away from home. Naturally that distance in itself leaves for a lack of insight into what is going on back home. I talked to my parents pretty regularly, and it is not that I didn't know what was going on in that Dad was depressed. I mean I had just been home in May for Dad's birthday and I had a first hand experience in seeing how bad he had gotten, but I just wasn't there to see the full force of things on a regular basis.

So mom began filling me in on the details I didn't have. Some due to the fact that I live in a different place than my family and some that were purposely withheld from me.

I've mentioned before that I had called right after an interview I had with my church to let my parents know that I had gotten the job. Of course, dad was not there to hear the news, and in fact had already been missing for several hours.

My parents knew this big interview was coming up, so that is one reason I was left out of the loop on what was going on with dad in the last week of his life. My parents did not want to worry me or bother me with their own problems. Obviously as their child and the fact that I love them so much, I would not have felt this way, however my parents have always seen it differently.

They want nothing more than for us to succeed in life and to follow God's will and they never want to be an intrusion on that. So often they don't fill us in on things that we deem as pertinent information because they don't want to burden our lives.

For instance, my mother took a rather bad fall out of the garage one day and I didn't hear about it until at least a month later! Why my parents thought we wouldn't care to know details like this is beyond me.

Apparently there had been a lot that had gone on in that week.

The Friday before my father went missing he called my mother in a panic. He was standing at the top of the parking deck at his work ready to jump. Mom convinced him to let her come get him and they went to go find a place to help him.

Mom and dad went together to a facility in order to seek help, unfortunately they decided to hold dad against his will for observation and evaluation. Mom tried to convince them to let dad leave with her, but they wouldn't budge.

We, as a family, believe that this was a final straw for dad. From my understanding, there was not much done to help him, he was just being held so that the state would not be liable for letting him go and him hurting himself. Apparently he had enough time to attempt taking his life twice and they didn't even take his belt away for the first 24 hours. Now, I'm not a doctor, but if someone is on suicide watch, you do not let them keep their belt for any amount of time.

When dad was finally released, mom said he was just a shell of the man he was. It was as if he wasn't there. Dad had given up.

When I began to hear all that had happened I began to understand more the gravity of what was going on. I was still in shock though.

The rest of the trip is a blur. Mom and I talked about a lot of stuff related to dad. The other thing I remember about our trip back was that it took forever.

We just could not get home.

The traffic and the weather were just horrible and it took us almost five hours just to get to Nashville. Even though mom didn't want to, we had to stop for the night.

However, we were unaware that the Nashville Auditions for American Idol were that same weekend. Yeah, we definitely had to drive 14 miles back north to find a hotel to stay in.

That night I had a hard time going to sleep, mom passed out pretty quickly, but I don't blame her. After laying in bed for a few hours thinking I began to deal with God and what was happening.

I found my bible and remember creeping over to the bathroom door that was cracked so I could read. I felt like a little kid sitting on the floor cross legged pouring over my bible.

The first passage I came to was Phillipians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It calmed my spirit instantly. I know that it is something that is hard to share, or even comprehend, but I cannot explain to you the peace that I and my family shared throughout this experience. From the moment I found out what had happened till we had laid my father to rest, I had a huge sense of peace and comfort that everything was going to be OK. Now I don;t mean OK like everything was going to be fine and dandy and we weren't going to have any pain and suffering, but OK in the sense that I knew God was in complete control of the situation.

I remember telling my mom when we were first heading home that this didn't surprise God. God had known this was going to happen before time began. God was in control and this was all in His plan. It may not be what we desired or wanted, but it was God's will.

The second thing I was drawn to in my bible was the book of Job. Particularly the last few chapters where God is giving an account of himself (Job 38).

First off, the image we get of God is amazing. If you ever need reminding of the power of God or maybe have not even thought about it, read through these scriptures they will humble you fast.

I began to think, here was Job, someone who was probably the most justified in his questioning of God, and what does God reply to him? "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"

God basically goes on to prove his power and worthiness. And I began to think about my own situation and what my reaction would be.

Someone in my situation would often ask why, and very few people would rebuke them. I think it is in our human nature to want to know why and the reasoning behind everything, but that is not the way God is.

God does not have to nor need to give an answer as to why He does what He does. He's God.

So I began to resolve in my heart that I would not question God in this. That's not to say that those thoughts have not come up, but I do not entertain or dwell on them.

I have to say that I believe this is the best thing I could have done. By not dwelling on the questions that I will never have an answer to, I have had more time to cling to the truth and rock of God. It is almost refreshing and liberating to release myself of those questions. To not be bogged down by them.

God does not have to answer me, and that is OK. I trust that He is in control, that this is His will for my life, and that ultimately He will be glorified.

After reading some more and praying I felt at peace and was able to go to sleep. The next morning mom and I got up to head home.

I grabbed a shirt and put it on and almost laughed as I saw myself in the mirror.

I had picked up and put on my "Defining Moments" shirt from camp from just a week earlier.

I commented to mom on the irony of how appropriate the shirt was. I may have cried too. Obviously this is not what I wanted to be happening, but it was, and it was a defining moment in my life for sure.

My New Favorite Song

I have a new favorite song. Well, relatively new.

I heard it for the first time this day six months ago.

It is one of those songs that you will always remember where you were the first time you heard is.

It can bring comfort and tears at the same time.

It floods memories into my view.

It speaks Truth to your heart when the world makes no sense.

It always seems to play when I need it.

It is our God by Chris Tomlin.

My brother played it for my family the day before my father's funeral. My brother played it for us because he wanted to play it during the service and wanted to make sure it was alright. The song itself is a rather upbeat song, one you may not necessarily play at a funeral, but we did.

My brother had written a note addressing those who attended my father's funeral. He spoke of our love for our father and how much we do and would miss him. But the he spoke of our Father.

Our Heavenly Father. The one who was in complete control of this entire situation. My brother told everyone there what our family's and our father's life was all about, The Gospel.

I think it's important to note that although none of our family could look to see, we've heard the chapel was packed, that for the majority of people there was standing room only that flooded out into the lobby.

Some were family, some were friends, former church members and fellow colleagues. Although some were our brothers and sisters in Christ, I would say the majority were not. These were the people that God had used my father and mother and our family to impact their lives.

So the song began to play. I don't believe my brother could have picked a more perfect song. On it's own it is a fantastic song that speaks so much truth, but in light of the circumstances, the lyrics seemed to perfectly speak to what was happening right then and there.

Then one of the most beautiful moments in my life began to unfold before my eyes. As the song reached it's climax, the point where it begins asking that if Our God is for us who can stand against us, they had begun to take my father out to go to the grave site. And as his casket was wheeled out everyone stood. The message of the song, with everyone standing and our family walking out was a moving testament. This was not something we had planned, but it was perfect.

Here we were broken, saying good-bye to my father whom we loved very much and in the same moment saying, believing, and displaying that Our God is Greater.

Our God is Greater. He is Greater than death. He has Defeated death.

He IS our Healer. He IS our Comforter. He IS Greater.

I will never forget this moment in all my life. To me it was one of the most defining moments of my faith.

It was our family standing together in front of God and everyone else saying YOUR ARE ENOUGH.

So yes, this is my new favorite song, and I'm sure it will always be. Sometimes it's still hard to listen to, sometimes it's a complete joy. Sometimes the tears flow and others I belt along with it. But no matter how many times I hear it, the message does not fade.

"Our God"

Water you turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind, there's no one like you, none like you!

Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise, there's no one like you, none like you!

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise, there's no one like you, none like you!

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, the what could stand against?

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

What could stand against?

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, the what could stand against?

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

What could stand against?

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are higher than any other.

Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, Our God! Our God!

That Thursday

I had just gotten home from work that Thursday and was sitting in my big comfy chair talking to Katie and Caleb. This summer my best friend Katie got to live with me and of course her fiancé (boyfriend at the time) was there constantly. We became the three best friends over the summer, doing practically everything together. We had such a great time, most of which was spent in my living room with them on the couch and me in that chair.

Not long after crashing in my normal spot Mrs. R started texting me asking how my day was. After just a small exchange of normal chit chat, she asked me to come over. I thought her texts seemed a little strange, but I didn’t think too much about it. She said she wanted to have me over for dinner and to get there as soon as possible. So I started over to the R’s house oblivious to the fact that I was beginning the descent into the lowest point of our family’s lives.

The R’s are very special people to me. I have attended church with them for the past 2 and ½ ish years. However they have become much more to me than just someone I say hi to on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s, they’ve become my family here. It all started one outstandingly horrible winter over a year ago. The power had been knocked out at our school and they told us we had to leave. Graciously the R’s opened up their house to me and a fellow friend from school for 10 days. Since then, they have been a huge part of my life.

I’ve been on trips with them and served with them, spent Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve at their house with their family, moved in for a little while and have played Phase 10 until 1 am until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any more. I hold them very dearly in my heart. I love, respect, honor, and adore them. If I need help, advice or guidance, I turn to them.

The Monday before all of this happened I had gone to their house for dinner to discuss some important matters that were arising. I had been informed that the personal committee at church wanted to interview me to be the possible Interim Youth Minister. I was very humbled by this prospect. I had been working with the youth for two years and loved every minute of it. The Lord had truly given me a heart for them and the thought of serving them as their leader was overwhelming.

Of course I immediately wanted to do it, but also wanted to make sure this was the Lord’s will and not my desire. So I met with the R’s to see what they thought, if they approved, and if they believed I could do it. We talked for hours. Eventually it was so late, I just spent the night at their house.

I actually thought this was the reason that the R’s wanted me to come over. The night before I had my interview with the Personal Committee and they all agreed that they wanted me to serve as the Interim and that they were moving forward in the process of hiring me. The R’s knew the good news and as I was driving over I was under the assumption that this was going to be some type of celebratory dinner. I got a little choked up on the way over thinking about how blessed I was to have such a great church family and how the Lord was providing for and directing my life. Everything was perfect and it was God’s will and I couldn’t have been more ecstatic.

I pulled up to the house, parked in my normal spot and began walking towards the back door. When I got in the kitchen both Mrs.R and Mr.R were standing there. Mr. R wasn’t looking me in the face and I could tell something wasn’t right. Mrs.R told me that it wasn’t bad, but my dad was missing. Mom was on her way and would be there in 30 minutes or so to drive me home. The news was a shock. I didn’t know the full force of everything, I didn’t have all the back info, but I began breaking things down in my head. The night before after the meeting I had called my parents. I called mom and told her the great news. I asked to speak to dad, but she said he was out. Immediately I asked, “well, is it a good out, or a bad out?”

My dad had been struggling with severe depression for the last two years. He had a major accident that caused the chemical imbalance in his body to go haywire and he had really been down spiraling. Dad just going out wasn’t normal. If he was not at work then he was at home, my dad didn’t just go out. Mom said she didn’t know if it was good or bad, but she thought it was good.

Realizing this and the fact that Mrs.R told me that dad had been missing since Wednesday morning, I knew mom had lied to me. I was trying to think through everything, give or find some type of answer, but I couldn’t. I sat with the R’s until my mom called to say she was in. Then we got into their car and then we went to pick up mom from the airport.

When I saw her standing there I got out of the car and we held each other and began to cry.

All mom could say was that she was sorry.

Mrs. R offered to drive us home, but mom said it was fine. We planned to drive straight through to Ga. Mom didn’t want to leave my sister and brother home alone longer than she had to. She was afraid that they would find dad before she got back. Multiple times on the phone she told them not to go if the police department needed someone to come identify a body.

We drove to my apartment for me to pack up some things. We walked in the door and I saw Katie and Caleb there. I had texted her to make sure she didn’t leave because I had to talk to her. I just remember beginning to cry as I told her my dad was missing and I had to leave. The next few minutes were a blur. I had no clue what to pack, my room was a mess, and obviously my mind was overloaded. Katie and my mom helped me dig through my room and figure out what to take. I grabbed a few more random items and we were on the road.

Leaving Louisville I began to call certain people that needed to know I was leaving. The family I nannied for, Mrs. G from school, and some other people I can’t remember. I remember explaining over and over matter-of-fact-ly what was going on and thinking about how weird I sounded. It was like it wasn’t me talking. It was like a really bad movie that I was just observing, but it wasn’t, it was real and it was happening.

The Starting Point.

I sit looking at a blank box. I know eventually it will be filled, filled with my explanation of why I am here. It is very hard for me to start this out because I know that once I start I can't stop.

I am about to share with you, with the world (that is if they happen to stumble upon this), my personal tragedy. This will for sure make me vulnerable and it will be very hard, but I know that I have to do this. I have to share my story.

Roughly two months ago my father died.

It is not just that my father died, my father took his own life.

The death of a parent brings devastation. A death by their own hands? Beyond devastation.

Suicide is such a taboo topic.

We very rarely talk about it. We don't know what to say or how to react to the situation. And with that, we keep our mouths shut.

And this is where the problem lies. If we do not speak, then who will know? How will anyone ever know how to react or respond if we don't discuss it? How will we ever know how devastating the effects of suicide are if no one opens up? How will we ever know what an epidemic we face if no one shares? How?

So I refuse to keep quiet. I refuse to not share my story. I know I am not alone. The statistics are too staggering to suggest otherwise.

It is my hope that in this blog I provide some encouragement or hope for those who are in my position, that this blog becomes a place of healing, that I may find peace and sense in my reflecting, and that I may, most importantly, always point back to the Gospel and the great work that God has done in my life.

This was something I have wanted to do almost since the beginning. I had originally planned to wait a full year then try to share my story as chronologically as I could then, but I just feel I need to do this now, that the time is right now.

I must confess, I am mostly doing this for myself. I need to empty my head of all these thoughts, ideas, and tid-bits dealing with my father's death. I know that in writing them down and really thinking through issues one by one I will be able to find some healing for my heart.

I cannot promise this will be an eloquent and grammaticality correct journey-

Writing is not my strong suite...at all.

I cannot promise anything will be in any type of order-

Pretty much just like my brain is currently. There is just too much that has happened to even try to formulate a time line. I will share what I feel is appropriate at what times I choose. Most posts will come from my current ponderings or mood concerning the situation.

I cannot promise a specific end date for this project, although I know there will be one one day-

There will come a day when I will not need to share my story for myself. There will be a day when all that could be said has been said. There will be an end, just probably not any time too soon.

I can promise that this will be an honest account of recent major events of my life and the reaction I have had.

This is my story and the testimony of God's work in my life. This is the account of my rejoiceful grieving heart.