The Starting Point.

I sit looking at a blank box. I know eventually it will be filled, filled with my explanation of why I am here. It is very hard for me to start this out because I know that once I start I can't stop.

I am about to share with you, with the world (that is if they happen to stumble upon this), my personal tragedy. This will for sure make me vulnerable and it will be very hard, but I know that I have to do this. I have to share my story.

Roughly two months ago my father died.

It is not just that my father died, my father took his own life.

The death of a parent brings devastation. A death by their own hands? Beyond devastation.

Suicide is such a taboo topic.

We very rarely talk about it. We don't know what to say or how to react to the situation. And with that, we keep our mouths shut.

And this is where the problem lies. If we do not speak, then who will know? How will anyone ever know how to react or respond if we don't discuss it? How will we ever know how devastating the effects of suicide are if no one opens up? How will we ever know what an epidemic we face if no one shares? How?

So I refuse to keep quiet. I refuse to not share my story. I know I am not alone. The statistics are too staggering to suggest otherwise.

It is my hope that in this blog I provide some encouragement or hope for those who are in my position, that this blog becomes a place of healing, that I may find peace and sense in my reflecting, and that I may, most importantly, always point back to the Gospel and the great work that God has done in my life.

This was something I have wanted to do almost since the beginning. I had originally planned to wait a full year then try to share my story as chronologically as I could then, but I just feel I need to do this now, that the time is right now.

I must confess, I am mostly doing this for myself. I need to empty my head of all these thoughts, ideas, and tid-bits dealing with my father's death. I know that in writing them down and really thinking through issues one by one I will be able to find some healing for my heart.

I cannot promise this will be an eloquent and grammaticality correct journey-

Writing is not my strong suite...at all.

I cannot promise anything will be in any type of order-

Pretty much just like my brain is currently. There is just too much that has happened to even try to formulate a time line. I will share what I feel is appropriate at what times I choose. Most posts will come from my current ponderings or mood concerning the situation.

I cannot promise a specific end date for this project, although I know there will be one one day-

There will come a day when I will not need to share my story for myself. There will be a day when all that could be said has been said. There will be an end, just probably not any time too soon.

I can promise that this will be an honest account of recent major events of my life and the reaction I have had.

This is my story and the testimony of God's work in my life. This is the account of my rejoiceful grieving heart.